Standing In A Thunderstorm

           This evening, I was wrestling with God about some things. I recently lost my job (through no little fault of my own) and have been looking for a replacement job to get me through college. Speaking of which, I also have been struggling with trying to figure out what God wants to to with my life, and where he wants me to be right now. I've been trying to have more faith regarding most everything in my life, and so when I think about college now, I feel as though God wants me to step out on faith, apply at Moody Bible Institute, and if I get accepted then just take out a student loan. I have always had some anxiety when it comes to money; that's why I've been having so much difficulty accepting this as the way God wants me to do things.
          Tonight though, everything was crashing down on me; I was laying down in my bedroom, and I was feeling tempted to just shove everything into the back of my mind and try and cope with it all. I finally decided that enough was enough, and I left my bedroom, went downstairs, and went out into my backyard. During this whole time of me processing things, there was a lightning storm going on outside. It was about 8:15-ish when I got outside. It was cool, but not too cold, and the lightning was going everywhere behind the clouds in the sky. Occasionally, you could see little strands of lightning come out from behind the clouds really quick, and then disappear again. I was just standing outside on my porch, and I really didn't know what to say. So I just stood there. Finally, I started talking to God. I'm not sure if it was even praying so much as it was just pouring my heart out to God and telling him what I was feeling. I didn't say much, because the words really wouldn't come out, but what I did say I'm sure must have been very simplistic. Finally it started raining. I could tell that the rain was going to start pouring about 10 minutes before it actually did, but I stayed outside nonetheless. I stayed outside and waited.
            I was sitting down as the rain started coming, and now I was getting cold. But on the upside, my mind had remembered how to make words come out of my mouth. Again, nothing profound or fancy, but just more of the simple things that I wish could have carried as much weight as the thunder that was starting to get to an earsplitting level. Now, I love thunderstorms. I'm the kind of person that wants to go run outside at the slightest hint of a thunderstorm, or at least find a window that doesn't have blinds covering it up. I love turning off all the lights and just watching the lightning spiderweb its way across the sky, and waiting for the ominous booming that comes shortly after. Tonight was different though. Tonight I was almost afraid of the storm as I was beginning to pray. I couldn't figure it out, but for some reason I almost feared that exploding noise in the sky that I usually anticipate with such enthusiasm. I guess I'm still at a loss for why I was afraid. But whatever the reason, I found myself putting it aside and just asking for God to pour out his spirit on me, and to just show me what his will for my life is right now. Afterwards, I went inside wet and cold, but feeling like I just lifted a weight off my chest.
             I still don't have an answer from God for the questions I asked him, and the supplications I made to him. But I know this: That even though I am unsure as to where God is leading me, I know it won't be that way for long. We all have storms in our lives, with lightning and thunder and wind and rain, and sometimes the things we enjoy can be the things that we begin to fear. However, storms don't last forever. They are temporary, and they are always for a reason. If not in our life, then perhaps in someone elses. Maybe, just maybe, a storm in our life might be meant to send some rain down and water those who need refreshing. Maybe it doesn't. Or maybe a storm is the only way God has left to reach us inside our walls that we've built for ourselves that so conveniently exclude him, and is the only thing that we will hear to get us to come outside and seek him. It may not be comfortable. In fact, it probably won't be. But what it will be is a time of cleansing and restoration in our lives. And even though we may not get our answers right away, we still stood out in the rain and let the God of the universe speak to our souls.