So, this is my third post this evening within a span of about 10-20 minutes, but I feel like God is laying this topic on my heart: Surrender.
While I was in that storm this evening, I had a moment where I had to surrender. It was almost like I didn't even have a choice in the matter. My old self was scrambling for a way out, but my soul would have none of it. I may have physically been standing up, but my soul was on its knees. I think it still might be there as I'm typing this.
Surrender is a hard thing to come to terms with if you haven't been in a place of surrender consistently. I hate to say it, but I have not been in a place of surrender consistently as of late. There have been times of course where God has touched me through others, and has used me to touch others lives, but the thing is that God uses us wherever we are spiritually; the magnitude of how he can use us though is dependant on how willing we are to surrender. (I'm not sure if this is "air-tight" theology as it were, but I feel like this is the best way to say what I'm trying to communicate). So, of course, I have been used by God out of his grace and mercy, and not by anything that I can do on my own, but at the same time, I feel almost empty inside as a result of not being completely surrendered to him when he is trying to do a good work through me. Surrender may be hard, but it is vital.
Like I said before, as I stood in the storm, I felt like my soul was kneeling on the ground with its hands raised, the palms facing down. I felt compelled to drop everything that I was holding on to so tightly and give it all over to God. It's a hard thing to do. But I feel like God has orchestrated my life over the past few months to get me into a place where I have no other choice but to give up. I feel like I was so in over my head with so many things that God had to metaphorically slap me upside the head and say "Wake up!", which is weird considering I have had some amazing opportunities to rest in God's peace over the last few months as well.
All of this to say that God has backed me into a corner of surrender, and actually, there is no other place I'd rather be right now. For some people, God has to let them get to the very end of their rope in order for his truth and his love to pervade their lives. I'm so glad he caught me when he did, because I would not want to get to the very lowest place I could go and have to climb all the way back up to where I started again. I would much rather start where I am with God's love and peace to minister to me, as well as good friends and the Body of Christ to come alongside me as my family. Surrender is hard, but it can be the best feeling in the world when you finally surrender yourself to God.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Standing In A Thunderstorm
This evening, I was wrestling with God about some things. I recently lost my job (through no little fault of my own) and have been looking for a replacement job to get me through college. Speaking of which, I also have been struggling with trying to figure out what God wants to to with my life, and where he wants me to be right now. I've been trying to have more faith regarding most everything in my life, and so when I think about college now, I feel as though God wants me to step out on faith, apply at Moody Bible Institute, and if I get accepted then just take out a student loan. I have always had some anxiety when it comes to money; that's why I've been having so much difficulty accepting this as the way God wants me to do things.
Tonight though, everything was crashing down on me; I was laying down in my bedroom, and I was feeling tempted to just shove everything into the back of my mind and try and cope with it all. I finally decided that enough was enough, and I left my bedroom, went downstairs, and went out into my backyard. During this whole time of me processing things, there was a lightning storm going on outside. It was about 8:15-ish when I got outside. It was cool, but not too cold, and the lightning was going everywhere behind the clouds in the sky. Occasionally, you could see little strands of lightning come out from behind the clouds really quick, and then disappear again. I was just standing outside on my porch, and I really didn't know what to say. So I just stood there. Finally, I started talking to God. I'm not sure if it was even praying so much as it was just pouring my heart out to God and telling him what I was feeling. I didn't say much, because the words really wouldn't come out, but what I did say I'm sure must have been very simplistic. Finally it started raining. I could tell that the rain was going to start pouring about 10 minutes before it actually did, but I stayed outside nonetheless. I stayed outside and waited.
I was sitting down as the rain started coming, and now I was getting cold. But on the upside, my mind had remembered how to make words come out of my mouth. Again, nothing profound or fancy, but just more of the simple things that I wish could have carried as much weight as the thunder that was starting to get to an earsplitting level. Now, I love thunderstorms. I'm the kind of person that wants to go run outside at the slightest hint of a thunderstorm, or at least find a window that doesn't have blinds covering it up. I love turning off all the lights and just watching the lightning spiderweb its way across the sky, and waiting for the ominous booming that comes shortly after. Tonight was different though. Tonight I was almost afraid of the storm as I was beginning to pray. I couldn't figure it out, but for some reason I almost feared that exploding noise in the sky that I usually anticipate with such enthusiasm. I guess I'm still at a loss for why I was afraid. But whatever the reason, I found myself putting it aside and just asking for God to pour out his spirit on me, and to just show me what his will for my life is right now. Afterwards, I went inside wet and cold, but feeling like I just lifted a weight off my chest.
I still don't have an answer from God for the questions I asked him, and the supplications I made to him. But I know this: That even though I am unsure as to where God is leading me, I know it won't be that way for long. We all have storms in our lives, with lightning and thunder and wind and rain, and sometimes the things we enjoy can be the things that we begin to fear. However, storms don't last forever. They are temporary, and they are always for a reason. If not in our life, then perhaps in someone elses. Maybe, just maybe, a storm in our life might be meant to send some rain down and water those who need refreshing. Maybe it doesn't. Or maybe a storm is the only way God has left to reach us inside our walls that we've built for ourselves that so conveniently exclude him, and is the only thing that we will hear to get us to come outside and seek him. It may not be comfortable. In fact, it probably won't be. But what it will be is a time of cleansing and restoration in our lives. And even though we may not get our answers right away, we still stood out in the rain and let the God of the universe speak to our souls.
Tonight though, everything was crashing down on me; I was laying down in my bedroom, and I was feeling tempted to just shove everything into the back of my mind and try and cope with it all. I finally decided that enough was enough, and I left my bedroom, went downstairs, and went out into my backyard. During this whole time of me processing things, there was a lightning storm going on outside. It was about 8:15-ish when I got outside. It was cool, but not too cold, and the lightning was going everywhere behind the clouds in the sky. Occasionally, you could see little strands of lightning come out from behind the clouds really quick, and then disappear again. I was just standing outside on my porch, and I really didn't know what to say. So I just stood there. Finally, I started talking to God. I'm not sure if it was even praying so much as it was just pouring my heart out to God and telling him what I was feeling. I didn't say much, because the words really wouldn't come out, but what I did say I'm sure must have been very simplistic. Finally it started raining. I could tell that the rain was going to start pouring about 10 minutes before it actually did, but I stayed outside nonetheless. I stayed outside and waited.
I was sitting down as the rain started coming, and now I was getting cold. But on the upside, my mind had remembered how to make words come out of my mouth. Again, nothing profound or fancy, but just more of the simple things that I wish could have carried as much weight as the thunder that was starting to get to an earsplitting level. Now, I love thunderstorms. I'm the kind of person that wants to go run outside at the slightest hint of a thunderstorm, or at least find a window that doesn't have blinds covering it up. I love turning off all the lights and just watching the lightning spiderweb its way across the sky, and waiting for the ominous booming that comes shortly after. Tonight was different though. Tonight I was almost afraid of the storm as I was beginning to pray. I couldn't figure it out, but for some reason I almost feared that exploding noise in the sky that I usually anticipate with such enthusiasm. I guess I'm still at a loss for why I was afraid. But whatever the reason, I found myself putting it aside and just asking for God to pour out his spirit on me, and to just show me what his will for my life is right now. Afterwards, I went inside wet and cold, but feeling like I just lifted a weight off my chest.
I still don't have an answer from God for the questions I asked him, and the supplications I made to him. But I know this: That even though I am unsure as to where God is leading me, I know it won't be that way for long. We all have storms in our lives, with lightning and thunder and wind and rain, and sometimes the things we enjoy can be the things that we begin to fear. However, storms don't last forever. They are temporary, and they are always for a reason. If not in our life, then perhaps in someone elses. Maybe, just maybe, a storm in our life might be meant to send some rain down and water those who need refreshing. Maybe it doesn't. Or maybe a storm is the only way God has left to reach us inside our walls that we've built for ourselves that so conveniently exclude him, and is the only thing that we will hear to get us to come outside and seek him. It may not be comfortable. In fact, it probably won't be. But what it will be is a time of cleansing and restoration in our lives. And even though we may not get our answers right away, we still stood out in the rain and let the God of the universe speak to our souls.
First Post
Hello!
As the title of this post implies, this is the first post on my new blog here. I am creating this blog to serve as an online journal of sorts, with most of the emphasis on what God is doing in my life. That being said, I very well may post song lyrics, a poem, random thoughts, and other things on here as well. My hope is that this blog will be a blessing and an encouragement to those who read it. That's pretty much all I have to say, as that is what this post is all about. Have a blessed day. :)
~K.K.
As the title of this post implies, this is the first post on my new blog here. I am creating this blog to serve as an online journal of sorts, with most of the emphasis on what God is doing in my life. That being said, I very well may post song lyrics, a poem, random thoughts, and other things on here as well. My hope is that this blog will be a blessing and an encouragement to those who read it. That's pretty much all I have to say, as that is what this post is all about. Have a blessed day. :)
~K.K.
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